How many of us are out there having а backstage monologue on how exciting it was to watch a rough sex scene, fantasizing about it while masturbating? The thought of having a long sex session with the potential to push the boundaries a bit further can be the spice to your sex life. But in the end, something appears to tighten around the throat and those needs get easily choked down for the sake of staying within vanilla borders.

Don’t get me wrong, I love me some loving vanilla lovemaking, but the thrill and excitement you’d get from combining a bit of pain while having sex is incomparable. Even the most basic spanking and light hair pulling can elevate your sexual experience to new exhilarating heights!

It’s not surprising that statistical analysis of sexual habits have come up with numbers as high as 72% of men and women enjoying their kinks in the bedroom. For many of them, the question still remains: how can we navigate this sensitive territory, where the lines between sexual and overly-aggressive are a bit blurred? 

In any case, practicing consent before any form of sex with a partner is the most important first step, so both of you can freely enjoy what’s to come.

Moving forward, I will explain a few things about rough sex and how to stay on the safe side while turning it up to 11.

So What Constitutes Aggressive Sex? 

There is certainly more than one definition. Relative to the person actually performing it – what is aggressive for someone, can be seen as either bold or bland for someone else, so it’s up to you to define the boundaries for yourself.

There are many ways to go about it, but exercising physical power to various degrees while having sex is considered aggressive depending on the degree. This can take form of spanking, biting, pinching, whipping using hands, spanking paddles or various women’s sex toys and sex enhancers. Getting antsy yet?

What is Okay – And What Is Not

It’s important to note that the pain threshold is very dependent on the partner on the receiving end, and that even though some porn stars can willingly take a beating while having sex – it doesn’t mean you have to!

Remember: all your options are open! So, before practicing any type of sex play you aren’t familiar with: read, research and communicate!

The key is to agree on the roughness level, setting boundaries that will satisfy all parties. This means you and your partner are practicing willing consent – if it isn’t consensual, any act is considered an assault.  

This is where your needs and expectations will have to be discussed with your partner. First, make sure you’ve expressed to your partner all those curiosities you’ve had, yearning for a kinkier and rougher treat. 

Then, make both a personal list of issues on your mind when you think of rough sex, and discuss them before the actually doing them.

How Much Pain is Acceptable?

Acceptable pain is not about exercising physical power in order to endure it – but to eroticize it! So, you might want to settle the boundaries here and see how much these strong and powerful emotions such as fear or pain can make you wet. If they don’t, there’s no purpose in subjecting yourself to torture, is there?

Its important to reach a consensus on what you would like to experience individually, and then agree on how you would like your rough sex to look with your partner. 

If you have established a sex routine in a long-term relationship, rough sex can help add a bit off flare. Combine rough sex with with some mutually-preferred kinky stuff and you and your partner will be checking things off your sexual bucket lists in no time!

Starting Tips

Discuss any burning questions you and your partner have and then talk about the list of things you both consent on doing. It doesn’t necessarily need to be an official meeting, any given moment with the right vibe will be suitable to discuss the do’s and don’ts with your partner.

Some of the things you might want to try may require special circumstances or more research, so naturally they’ll be definite ‘maybes’.

Mention things that you don’t want to do, that are outside of your comfort zone and things or actions that might trigger a negative response so they’ll be a firm ‘no’ in your partner’s mind. Make sure to ask and pay attention to their needs too – nobody likes an attention hog! 

All the things that you’re ready to try would be in the ‘yes’ column, and you can start your rough sex journey from that point.

It’s very important to agree upon safe words (if you presumably need them) that will signal your partner that you want a change or you want everything to stop. Some that I’ve used are ‘yellow’ for slowing down or nearing your peak and ‘red’ for a full stop or time out.

Rough sex is associated with BDSM so you might like to explore its concepts and check what actually suits your desired experience. 

See if you prefer to dominate or be submissive by searching a few key terms online.
Build scenes in your mind by asking yourself a few questions regarding role-play and if you want it.

Do you want sex toys involved or not? Would you like bondage included? Where is the scenario taking place?

The answers to these questions are key to creating sensual porn scenes in your mind, making you crave them in real life too. Fuel your imagination by watching ethically-made porn, reading erotica and sexting your partner. Doing so, you learn a lot about what you like to experience during sex and paths you can take to life-altering orgasms!

You can start with some dirty talk – in person, over the phone, or via text. This has zero risks for physical harm but can ignite the flames of the scenario you’d like to play out with your partner.

Nurture Yourself and Your Partner

If you want to have a healthy sexual experience, check with your partner every few minutes, but when you decide to include some rougher play, aftercare is a must. 

You will want to discuss what surprised you, how did that nipple punch make you feel, and is there anything you’d want to do differently if you did this again? What was your and their favorite part? What about the not-so-favorite parts? How was this different from what you expected? 

Make sure your hugs are filled with affection and extra attention this time, as rough sex can bring up strong emotions, for both the dom and the sub. 

A little bit of daring and rougher play can fill that spark among you with more intimacy than before, and the rougher sex journey can make you see each other with much love, care, and empathy.

Enjoy your rough sex, and remember: everything going out of the consensual borders is not rough sex, but assault – and you can change your mind at any time!

Stay playful,

Stay open,

Stay Devine!